It’s been a while since I felt like I had anything helpful to say, much less the motivation to write.
I can allow myself grace for that.
2020 was the weirdest year…
But here we are fresh into 2021 and things are starting to feel lighter.
For me, the release of the heaviness always stems from accepting things as they are.
I started my job in Psychiatric ICU back in July. I was newly on BRN Probation and trying to acclimate to the restrictions on my license and the extensive requirements of the Enforcement (Probation) Program.
Drug testing costs between $360-$900 per month depending on how many times I get picked to test. This has been a gnarly financial burden, but I’ve managed to make it work.
The most difficult days are when I have to test on a work day. There is only one Urgent Care open at night, and they often leave me waiting in the waiting room for between 2-4 hours.
After a 12.5 hour shift in a violent and intense environment, it’s disheartening to sit there and wait, and then have to drive an hour to get home after.
Those are the times that the shame comes seeping back in.
I just keep reminding myself that this isn’t forever. It’s just for now and it’s part of the remediation for my past actions.
I can do hard things…
We all can.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be able to work as a nurse again.
I have been applying for other jobs as well, but the rejections are abundant.
Very few facilities are willing to hire nurses that are in a monitoring program.
This is definitely something I would like to see changed in the future.
The stigma attached to addiction is immense, and even more so for licensed professionals.
We are held to a higher standard (as we should be), but we are also very capable of recovery.
So as the lessons continue to appear on this journey, I will continue to navigate through them.
“The only way out is through” ~ Robert Frost
There have been a lot of great things that have happened to me throughout this process as well.
I am learning so much in my job. I will be able to sit for both the Board Certification in Mental Health and the Certified Addiction RN exam later this year.
I also work with an incredible group of people. Several of the nurses that I work with are also in monitoring programs.
It’s nice to connect with other nurses in recovery and share our experiences.
Some are jumping through hoops to get through the requirements, others are walking the true path of recovery and humility.
No judgement from me.
I try to focus only on my own path because it has plenty bumps and pot holes…
I remember when this process started back in May, I felt like it wouldn’t be so bad because I have already been through so many difficult trials since I got sober.
I was wrong.
It has been hard in ways that I didn’t expect.
A constant lesson in humility.
I’m grateful for the strong foundation that I built for the five years prior to this.
There is definitely something to be said for the practice of prayer and meditation.
Spending time in nature and with my family has been my saving grace.
So I will keep on walking through this process and talking openly about it.