Board Probation…
Even though I knew exactly what I was headed towards, I still managed to feel completely overwhelmed.
Last week was a doozy.
The first call with my Probation Monitor was two hours long.
We were scheduled to speak at 10 am, and she called me at 8 because she had written down the wrong time.
At first, she thought I was wrong, and I could hear the snark in her tone.
But I gently brought her attention to the confirmation email she sent that clearly stated 10 am.
She lightened up a smidge after that.
We went through the expectations of the next few years.
I told her I had already set up for drug testing and scheduled the required Psych eval and Physical.
She told me about the required courses that I needed to complete (one thing I wasn’t aware of ahead of time).
They are expensive, and there are a lot of them.
Then she told me it was likely I would be required to take a Nurse Refresher course that would need to be approved prior to enrollment.
This course would need to be completed before I could even stat looking for a job.
That is when my heart sank.
I have been waiting more than 5 years to be able to work as a Nurse again.
This will prolong it even more.
Once again, it comes down to surrender and acceptance for me.
When we got off the phone I had a good cry.
One more time I felt angry and defeated.
“Don’t they know what I have already been through?”
“Don’t they care that I have spent thousands on fines, fees and restitution to remediate this entire situation?”
“I have already been punished for my mistakes!”
The victim mentality flowed through me and I let it.
But not for long.
I always allow myself to feel ALL my feelings.
Even the ones that are deemed negative.
I just don’t unpack and live in that mindset.
I would be paralyzed if I did.
The truth of the matter is that the BRN is there to protect the public.
They need to make sure that I am safe to practice.
The discipline for my poor choices was all part of the path that led me to where I am now.
This may feel like another giant staircase, but I know how to climb.
Just start.
And then take one little step at a time.
Having a bad attitude is only going to make this entire process even harder.
I always have a choice in how I perceive things.
Every moment offers us the opportunity to choose differently.
Plus, I love to learn!
I decided to be grateful for the opportunity to learn through these required courses.
This is what surrender looks like for me in this situation.
I’m not willing to let false perceptions stand in the way of who I am.
Being on BRN probation does not take away from the truth of who I am.
I can still be myself and walk through this process with grace.
And I shall.