First, let me apologize for not posting an update since the dreaded BRN discipline process ended.
The last year has been so beautiful and also challenging.
I have never been one to sugar-coat the reality of being a licensed professional in recovery from substance use, so I will lay it on ya!
There were challenges for me physically (menopause), mentally (anxiety), emotionally (anger and resentment), and spiritually (existential questioning).
Ohhhhhh Menopause…. I was not prepared for this one. I am (only?) 47, so I wasn’t expecting this so soon.
It’s a doozy and could take up this entire post, so I will be brief.
It sucks. HRT helped me tremendously. Obviously, my experience is not yours, so talk to your doctor.
Anxiety is new for me. I have always been a very “type A” person who was fueled by busyness and challenges, but the anxiety wasn’t part of my life until this past year.
I can only relate it to the drastic hormone changes I have been experiencing coupled with my life changing in many ways this year.
How am I handling it you ask??
The best I freakin’ can.
I have increased the time I spend in meditation, started walking more throughout the day, and quit saying yes to anyone or anything that feels like a NO.
Another beauty of aging is that we seem to lose the ability to give a shit what anyone else thinks. Marvelous!
Now let’s talk anger and resentment.
OOF!!!
I had a bout of anger (rage) about having to go through all of the things that I have experienced these last 8 years and I struggled with resentment once again.
I was angry at myself all over again!
How many times will I cycle through this? Sheesh…
But I recognize that every time I fall into the shame spiral it feels less heavy and I emerge quicker that the previous time.
Traumatic events and experiences don’t disappear when we have worked through them.
They will always be a part of us.
We use the tools we learn in recovery (and therapy) to navigate through these times, and for me, that looks like journaling, being outside in nature alone or with my dog, therapy, connection with other nurses in recovery, and interrupting my negative internal dialogue.
Did I mention time alone? Because I need A LOT of that and I have to work for it because someone is always home at my house.
And that leads me to the spiritual aspect of this last year…
During the time that I have alone, I tend to think about the reasons I am having this life experience.
I can get so caught up in the existential questions of life and I often need to reel myself back into the present moment, which most times, is pretty lovely.
I simply (or not so simply) refuse the existential dread, most of the time at least.
Now for the good stuff!…
I got married last year!
I never thought I would take that leap after the trauma that I experienced in my first marriage (and that continued for many years after the divorce).
But I have the love and support of a wonderful man who is an actual partner in life, so it feels completely aligned for me.
I have a job at an incredible hospital that is extremely supportive of nurses who are in recovery from substance use!
They advocate for support for any nurse struggling and stand by their nurses as they heal.
I have been Coaching and offering peer support to other nurses who have been where I was 8 years ago and I cannot even tell you how fulfilling this is for me.
Life is such a weird imbalance of all the things.
Challenge, ease, joy, pain, abundance, and lack.
It has never felt right to me to just blah blah blah all the “good” things, because honestly, it has been a lot of struggle.
Nevertheless, I continue on my recovery journey and still look forward to learning new ways to speak up and advocate for better treatment of nurses who struggle with substance use or mental health.
I love hearing from all of you and I will always take the time to respond to every email I receive, so please continue to reach out to me.
Sending love to all of you!